If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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