so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
