Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So apparently I’m into choking now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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