wrigley field is MILF paradise
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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