no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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