Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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