Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize