Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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