last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
