I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
