Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
