I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
