apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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