do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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