Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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