How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
