Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
