i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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