its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
