I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
