Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
