mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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