How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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