covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
