i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
