do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
