Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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