Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Bring me that man meat
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize