Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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