If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize