I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
