and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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