I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
