A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Floor bacon is actually really good
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
