You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
