thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize