i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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