God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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