You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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