i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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