dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
