I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
