a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
