i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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