you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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