i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
