im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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