i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
