Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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