So drunk its hurt
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
