There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
