just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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