Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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