I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
