I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
