You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
