Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
