I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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