ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
