Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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