that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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