It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
