I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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